cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize