I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
