one word: firstdatebathroomanal
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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