Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
