sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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