Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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