I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize