A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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