You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
