i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
