I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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