I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
