??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
