I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
