Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
