Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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