How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
