oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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