i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
