Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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