i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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