My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
