You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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