nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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