fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
