im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
