This is not my ceiling
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
