Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
