4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
