Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize