no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
