Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
