It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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