there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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