I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize