I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she looked like the before picture.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
