I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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