Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
