dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
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