Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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