I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize