I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
