some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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