My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
