I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
