I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
