i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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