we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
