so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
