I think I won the penis lottery.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
