Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
