i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
