Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
