Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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