Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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