he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
