i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
