Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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