I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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