He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
