He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize