She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
